* “Recognize how you are holding self-love and power in combination. Since love is the only power there is, power can only be misused by someone who doesn’t love himself or herself. The lack of self-love is the singular basis for all power struggles both personal and collective. When you love yourself you begin to see your innate connection to all that is and (therefore) you wouldn’t think of trashing or abusing yourself…”

*An excerpt from a book I read while in dance class. Its title escapes me.

How do we get to the point of forgiveness when someone has done you wrong? A wrong that hits you below the belt, that cuts off your oxygen supply, that disenables you to the point of paralysis, depression and hate. What do you honestly do then? I mean, how do you really live through it? How do you start to forgive in this state? When I have felt anger I’ve been guilty of going directly to this thought: will the wrongdoer really get what they deserve? Is there such a thing as comeuppance or karma? What I’m curious about is how do you get to the point of feeling that you were wronged to showing love toward that person. It seems like a huge leap.

I was reading an article this morning about vengeance. A woman was writing about her 3-year torturous struggle with emotions of bitterness and vengefulness toward her ex. Her husband left their 17-year childless marriage (by choice) within 6 months of meeting someone else who had 4 children of her own. Just after the breakup, her ex insisted that they remain friends – he still loved her after all, he just couldn’t live with her and wasn’t in love with her (that’s another blog posting unto itself). But the one thing that struck me about this situation was the feeling of vengeance. How do you really go on when all you ever consistently feel is this hateful, I want to hurt you feeling? How do you get past the imprisonment of the pain?

The Greek philosopher Plato often said, through the main character of his stories, Socrates, that it’s better to suffer injustice than to do injustice. Plato being an agnostic but one who enjoyed religious stories, argued that doing the injustice creates the most harm. I think what Plato is getting at is that at its most basic and fundamental level, the deepest most fulfilling experience in our human lives, is our connection to other people – and when we damage that connection and endanger it by doing wrong to others, we hurt ourselves in the most real sense. Human beings may be able to put the things they’ve done out of their conscious mind, but in the back of our brains we always remember our past deeds and vices. Someone once told me that their teacher used to say that all of us carry around a ‘catalog of concupiscence’ in our minds, always reminding ourselves subconsciously of the wrong things we’ve done and feeling shame and desperation because of them; a large part of life is getting rid of that shame and dealing with those perceived wrongs so that we can be more fulfilled.

I’m a big advocate of self-care and feeling the feelings: getting in touch with the basic right to feel (second chakra) which is related to your emotional identity and its orientation toward self-gratification.  A healthy emotional identity means you can clearly identify your feelings and their sources and can experience them and work through them appropriately. When you know your own feelings, you are less likely to project them onto others or become dependent on others for your well-being. This sense of knowing what you’re feeling, promotes well-being and is a natural healing force. So next time you’re feeling anger – feel it, scream into a pillow and let it rip. Find a way to safely express your anger. It will then morph into another emotion. Possibly frustration. Let yourself feel frustrated. Keep going and allow the emotions to work through you (whatever wants to surface). You will eventually get to the point of love. Once you’re there, forgiveness is a step away.

The beauty about being human is that we’re able to feel all the emotions of the rainbow. And what benefit does that have you may ask? Emotions allow us to fully step into growth, change and possibility in our lives. We become renewed and fully self expressed. And that to me, sounds like freedom. The ultimate freedom.

So here’s my attempt. My life is more than about coaching. My life is made up of chance encounters, daring experiences, and twists and turns that lead me into new encounters and even bigger experiences. When I combine them all, they make up my purpose. I am a connector – a connector of things, of people, of events and of moments. As I take a step back and view my life at 360 degrees, I realize that all of the circumstances in my life that I have felt victim to, have arisen for one simple reason: to mirror and reflect the greatness that lies within me, which is my birthright. Many times it’s been easy to fall into the old patterns, the self limiting beliefs and into the constructs of the ego and what I realize tonight, is that those things aren’t so bad. I embrace them all because they’re bringing me closer to my truth, closer to who I really am and closer to the person I need to be, for me, for my clients and for the world.

I fall into patterns because I become unconscious to a value that’s important to me. I remember a self-limiting belief because I silently hold onto a fear that runs my life. I revert to my ego because I’ve made a choice to be what society needs me to be. This is part of being human. And I’ve made peace with that. And as soon as I become neutral to it all and refrain from judging it, something begins to shift. New learning opens up for me. What I’ve learned is that everything and everyone are needed in my life. From a relationship that ends badly to a career that falls apart or a really bad decision that has made me go into a completely different direction – it all serves a purpose: to heighten my awareness and to bring me back to my truth. It may not feel very good and in fact it may feel really lonely, ugly and tumultuous but there is always help along the way. It appears in different ways through people that present themselves in my life, to chance encounters or fortuitous coincidences that I bump into along the way.

So what I have to say tonight is: dare to be YOU. In fact, I challenge you to be everything you have decided to hide, to bury and to conceal. Stalk your awesomeness for the sake of the rest of the world around us. We need your gifts in their purest forms.

Have a listen. Link: The Greatest Contribution

Last week, I was asked to focus on my top 4 values and indicate on a scale of 1 to 10, how much I’m honoring them in my life: 1 = not at all, 10 = yes, and then some! The next step? Indicate one action that would move it towards a 10 or beyond what is imaginable.

 I know that my inner compass is guided by these 4 values: truth, freedom, spirituality and independence and as I reflected on them, I thought about what to do to increase their presence in my life. The funny thing is, when I got to my value of independence (the one I deem to be off the charts and beyond a 10), I froze. But why? My brain has always been my biggest alley when it comes to my fierce sense of independence and in this instance, it was still patting me on the back and telling me that I was doing everything I could to amplify it in my life: I deliberately create a life that works for me and that is aligned with my truth (check), I allow myself the time to be introspective and listen to my internal dialogue (check), I take responsibility for my actions and words (check), and I guide myself according to my values (check check check). Independence means relying on me, myself and I and my brain was in agreement with it. Right? Or maybe not so right?

That night, while fast asleep, I was awoken by a faint whisper in my ear: “Joanne, independence relies on others.” What? My body shook from the jolt and I sat up straighter than an ironing board. Then came another wordy wind. “True independence, Joanne, requires you to depend on others. A truly independent person asks for help when they need it.” I chewed on this some more, even more intrigued by this second part of the message. I needed to ask for help? Hmmm. What circumstance in my life needed attention? What was the lesson here for me?

I must be brutally honest. Asking for help is not my forte. I’ve always been very careful about potentially burdening others with the challenges/circumstances of my life. Plus, how much asking is considered too much or needy, or too much reliance on others and not enough on myself? When is the line of being responsibe for myself drawn?

Coincidentally, this lesson was put to the test for me this week and I was faced with some intense life circumstances that required help from others. Yes, I recognized that I couldn’t be everything to myself in that moment. I needed others to support me, to help me grapple with my fears and to love me through all the fog and uncertainty of life.

Here’s what I learned. The simple act of asking for help requires nothing more than independence. When I allow myself to lean on others, I’m acknowledging what I need and who and where to go for the answers. That’s independence – knowing what you need and knowing how to get your needs fulfilled. Even President Obama carried the same message this week in his address to students. He said: “Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I do that every day. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. It shows you have the courage to admit when you don’t know something, and to learn something new. So find an adult you trust – a parent, grandparent or teacher; a coach or counselor – and ask them to help you stay on track to meet your goals …”

We are much more powerful when we band together and act as a whole rather than a single unit. Like the saying goes, two heads are always better than one. But on a deeper level, when people come together, there’s opportunity for creation, possibility and change in the world.

I challenge you to take a good look at your relationship with asking for help. Press that help button and see what’s possible for you.

The lie can never become the truth. Black can never become white. Trees can never become clouds just as the personality can never become your soul. I can never be like you and you can never be like me. The lie is nonessential and the truth is essential. There is no way to make the nonessential essential. You can’t swap one for the other and the striving towards truth creates nothing but confusion. When we strive for the truth, that in itself is a distraction. It’s the lie’s way of hiding. The truth needs not to be achieved. In fact, it cannot be achieved because it is already there, in its purest form. Only the lie has to be dropped. All ideals, aims, judgments, ideologies, religions and systems of improvement are lies. I’ve recognized the fact that when I allow myself to be manipulated and cultivated by others, I am a lie. A walking lie. And when I look deep into the lie of my personality I see the lie and to see it is to cease it. The moment the lie disappears, the truth is there in all its beauty and radiance. The seeing of the lie, completely dismantles it and what’s left to shine, is the truth.

If life feels like a struggle to you these days, it could be time to shrug your shoulders and see what it feels like to walk without the should’s and shouldn’ts on your back. You have your own mountains to conquer, your own dreams to fulfill, but you will never have the energy to pursue them until you release yourself from all the expectations you’ve gathered from others that you now think are your own. Chances are they exist only in your own mind, and that doesn’t mean they can’t weigh you down. It’s time to lighten up, and send them on their way.

An excerpt that even after many re-reads, continues to evoke thought and reflection.

“Stay brutally optimistic. See the opportunity in every difficulty and anticipate the most favorable outcome out of every situation. Whatever you look for, that’s what you’ll find. We can get better or we can get bitter; it all depends on the lessons we draw from each experience. Optimism is like electricity – very little happens without it. Know this truth: you have all the resources you’ll ever need to handle all the challenges you’ll ever have. It’s in the true emergencies that the true you emerges. Resolve to identify the most powerful benefit you offer to the people around you and then deliver it. “The purpose of life,” said George Bernard Shaw, “is a life of purpose.” What’s yours? Where are you investing your personal energy: self-preservation or adding values to others? Here’s the well-being paradox: if you’re only concerned about yourself, you cannot take care of yourself. Only by helping others can you succeed.”

HO’OPONOPONO by Joe Vitale

Two years ago, I heard about a therapist in Hawaii who cured a complete ward of criminally insane patients–without ever seeing any of them. The psychologist would study an inmate’s chart and then look within himself to see how he created that person’s illness. As he improved himself, the patient improved.

When I first heard this story, I thought it was an urban legend. How could anyone heal anyone else by healing himself? How could even the best self-improvement master cure the criminally insane? It didn’t make any sense. It wasn’t logical, so I dismissed the story.

However, I heard it again a year later. I heard that the therapist had used a Hawaiian healing process called ho’oponopono. I had never heard of it, yet I couldn’t let it leave my mind. If the story was at all true, I had to know more. I had always understood total responsibility to mean that I am responsible for what I think and do. Beyond that, it’s out of my hands. I think that most people think of total responsibility that way. We’re responsible for what we do, not what anyone else does – but that’s wrong.

The Hawaiian therapist who healed those mentally ill people would teach me an advanced new perspective about total responsibility. His name is Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len. We probably spent an hour talking on our first phone call. I asked him to tell me the complete story of his work as a therapist.

He explained that he worked at Hawaii State Hospital for four years. That ward where they kept the criminally insane was dangerous. Psychologists quit on a monthly basis. The staff called in sick a lot or simply quit. People would walk through that ward with their backs against the wall, afraid of being attacked by patients. It was not a pleasant place to live, work, or visit.

Dr. Len told me that he never saw patients. He agreed to have an office and to review their files. While he looked at those files, he would work on himself. As he worked on himself, patients began to heal.

After a few months, patients that had to be shackled were being allowed to walk freely,’ he told me. ‘Others who had to be heavily medicated were getting off their medications. And those who had no chance of ever being released were being freed.’ I was in awe. ‘Not only that,’ he went on, ‘but the staff began to enjoy coming to work. Absenteeism and turnover disappeared. We ended up with more staff than we needed because patients were being released, and all the staff was showing up to work. Today, that ward is closed.’

This is where I had to ask the million dollar question: ‘What were you doing within yourself that caused those people to change?’

‘I was simply healing the part of me that created them,’ he said. I didn’t understand. Dr. Len explained that total responsibility for your life means that everything in your life- simply because it is in your life–is your responsibility. In a literal sense the entire world is your creation.

Whew. This is tough to swallow. Being responsible for what I say or do is one thing. Being responsible for what everyone in my life says or does is quite another. Yet, the truth is this: if you take complete responsibility for your life, then everything you see, hear, taste, touch, or in any way experience is your responsibility because it is in your life. This means that terrorist activity, the president, the economy or anything you experience and don’t like–is up for you to heal. They don’t exist, in a manner of speaking, except as projections from inside you. The problem isn’t with them, it’s with you, and to change them, you have to change you.

I know this is tough to grasp, let alone accept or actually live. Blame is far easier than total responsibility, but as I spoke with Dr. Len, I began to realize that healing for him and in ho ‘oponopono means loving yourself. If you want to improve your life, you have to heal your life. If you want to cure anyone, even a mentally ill criminal you do it by healing you. I asked Dr Len how he went about healing himself. What was he doing, exactly, when he looked at those patients’ files?

‘I just kept saying, ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I love you’ over and over again,’ he explained.

That’s it?

That’s it.

Turns out that loving yourself is the greatest way to improve yourself, and as you improve yourself, you improve your world.

Let me give you a quick example of how this works:

One day, someone sent me an email that upset me. In the past I would have handled it by working on my emotional hot buttons or by trying to reason with the person who sent the nasty message. This time, I decided to try Dr. Len’s method. I kept silently saying, ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I love you,’ I didn’t say it to anyone in particular. I was simply evoking the spirit of love to heal within me what was creating the outer circumstance.

Within an hour I got an e-mail from the same person. He apologized for his previous message. Keep in mind that I didn’t take any outward action to get that apology. I didn’t even write him back. Yet, by saying ‘I love you,’ I somehow healed within me what was creating him.

I later attended a ho ‘oponopono workshop run by Dr. Len. He’s now 70 years old, considered a grandfatherly shaman, and is somewhat reclusive. He praised my book, The Attractor Factor. He told me that as I improve myself, my book’s vibration will raise, and everyone will feel it when they read it. In short, as I improve, my readers will improve. ‘What about the books that are already sold and out there?’ I asked. ‘They aren’t out there,’ he explained, once again blowing my mind with his mystic wisdom. ‘They are still in you.’ In short, there is no out there. It would take a whole book to explain this advanced technique with the depth it deserves.

Suffice it to say that whenever you want to improve anything in your life, there’s only one place to look: inside you. When you look, do it with love.